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Most horror flicks about the Internet—FEARDOTCOM, iMURDERS,
etc.—warrant a click of the “Ignore” button. Hollywood’s newest take on the
digitally demonic, KILL KATIE MALONE, starring Dean Cain of LOIS & CLARK infamy,
can definitely be marked as straight-to-DVD spam.
The movie (out on disc from Phase 4 Films) tells the story
of close-knit college friends Ginger (Masiela Lusha), Jim (Stephen Colletti)
and Dixie (Jonathan “Lil J” McDaniel), who pool their money to bid for a ghost
on “YouBay.” They win and are sent a mysterious black box by the previous owner
(Cain), who’s all too eager to get rid of the thing. Once they open it, of
course, strange things start happening, and soon the students’
“enemies”—teachers, jealous boyfriends, annoying roommates—are killed off one by
one in increasingly cheesy, poorly CG’d fashion by the ghost of Katie Malone.
When they try to get rid of her, the spirit (surprise, surprise) sets her
sights on them.
Turns out, Katie was a little girl who was sold into slavery
and murdered; all she ever wanted was a clan of her own, so when her new
“family” rejects her—the point that they’re a family is driven into the ground
by Jim, who constantly refers to the trio as such—relations quickly turn from
Casper to Krueger. Not to worry, though: the other bidder (a Goth chick,
naturally) offers a black-mascaraed-eye-rolling solution: sell the ghost again on-line.
If any of this sounds ridiculous in the reading, it plays
that way on screen as well. KILL KATIE MALONE is well-acted, but the script is
plodding and dull (you know a film’s in trouble when the son of the Hulkster
himself, Nick Hogan, plays the most entertaining character). More unforgiveable
is the lack of bloodletting, especially when more than a few scenes,
particularly one involving a paper cutter, have so much potential. Director
Carlos Ramos Jr. cuts away right before anything happens, leading one to wonder
what merited the movie’s R rating when there isn’t any gore or nudity (guess it
was the foul language). In that case, why not just go for a PG-13 rating (the
kiss of death for Fango readers) and call it a day?
The disc is bare-bones, including the trailer only. With
iPhones, eBay and domain-name horror films already in the can, is some
Hollywood producer just one click away from a criminally possessed Roku
slasher? From the looks of what KILL KATIE MALONE is selling, no one’s gonna be
bidding anytime soon.
DVD/ Blu-ray Reviews
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