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If you clicked on to this page hoping to find some critical
information that could weigh in the balance of your renting this movie or
not...it begs the question: Are you freaking kidding me?! DINOCROC VS.
SUPERGATOR is a Roger (and Julie) Corman joint that pits a gigantic
make-believe prehistoric crocodile against a gigantic make-believe man-made
alligator. But come on, you already had that information and had made up your
mind to see the flick or not the second you saw the title with “Roger Corman
Presents” above it. Now, on the other hand, if you clicked on to this page to
see what a reviewer could possibly say about a film like this just for the hell
of it, then welcome, you’ve come to the right place.
Me, well, I absolutely had to see this movie because after
seeing the trailer on the DVD of last year’s deliciously ridiculous SHARKTOPUS,
my kid flipped, and made me promise to grab this baby the second I could get my
hands on a copy. After all, who am I to say no to an auxiliary reviewer while
grabbing dad-of-the-year points at the same time. My kid loves this stuff. He
lives for giant boas, megasharks, mutant fish, killer turtles, lizards,
caterpillars, bunnies, kittens, anything, as long as they are: a) of
gigantic proportions, and b) eat people.
Needless to say, the day I arrived home to find the disc in
the mailbox, any potential family plans immediately ground to a halt and the
next 90 minutes of our lives were dedicated to watching two
genetically-enhanced CGI monsters gobble protesting citizens before eventually
duking it out with each other, because as a character in the movie states,
crocodiles and alligators are mortal enemies. (I looked it up—no they aren’t.)
Originally made for Syfy, DINOCROC VS. SUPERGATOR follows
the recent megamonster formula to a T, and to be perfectly honest, I would’ve
been disappointed if it didn’t. I’d have felt robbed if there wasn’t a
beautiful European blonde model passing herself off as a geneticist by wearing
a lab coat, ponytail and dark-rimmed glasses. I’d have been heartbroken if they’d
neglected to add the tough military guys (a.k.a. monster food) spouting tough
military rally cries like “Lock and load!” and “Hoo-rah.” And I’d have been
beside myself had they not included a “name” star (David
Carradine) to sit by the pool scowling into a telephone as well as a
boatload of bikini babes (a.k.a. monster food) jiggling their way to fun in the
sun when they aren’t screaming and bouncing/running for their lives.
I might sound like I’m trash-talking the movie, but I
promise you, I’m not. I’m simply having fun with it, because that’s what these
flicks are all about: laughing incredulously while man-tampered reptiles amble
around the countryside throwing back hapless victims like pink screeching gummy
bears. (I’m sure that there is a dictionary somewhere that defines “fun” in
those exact words.) It also dawned on me after we watched DVS that Corman’s
latest cash-in on this silly big monster trend has been done before—and with
great, long lasting success. I know folks will cry sacrilege at the audacity of my
comparing these digital creature mash-ups with the beloved Pacific Rim Godzilla
series, but I’m sure that GODZILLA VS. MOTHRA wasn’t vying for the best foreign
picture Oscar when it was released back in 1964. Nostalgia provides rosy lenses
when looking back at these old-school monster flicks, but let’s face it, these
were by no means serious films: One man in a rubber suit being swung through
the studio on wires while another stomps Tokyo miniatures into kindling.
Ridiculous atomic theories by frantic scientists wearing dark-rimmed glasses.
Tanks that melt like marshmallows in a campfire and tiny military men doing
their best impersonations of bubble plastic placed on a preschool floor. Too
sacred to be compared?
Forget about it.
The only difference now is the CGI and the slightly more
adult themes, both of which are a result of the natural progression of changing
times and cultures. I for one do not want to see a man in a rubber outfit
trying to run like a giant alligator. The CG-generated creatures actually look
pretty good in DVS, as do some of the other...ah…eating effects. I also
have no quarrel with girls in bikinis running amok. This is precisely why
slow-motion was invented.
I knew exactly what to expect going in and was not
disappointed in the least. My kid loved it and can’t wait for the next
installment. And you know what else—I hope they keep going. I hope that these
giant animals eventually start to team up and fight giant weird-looking
creatures from other planets. I hope a hero rises from the heap, be it a giant
boa, crocodile or megashark (I kind of hope it’s Sharktopus, but that’s
just me) and becomes the central figurehead for the giant monster collective. I
hope they get their own island and the hero has an inexplicable offspring. And
if a size-changing kung-fu robot doesn’t show up to do battle, then I’ll just
consider that a horribly missed opportunity.
DINOCROC VS. SUPERGATOR is available on Blu-ray and DVD as
of July 12. Both include an audio commentary by executive producer Roger Corman
and director Jim Wynorski (a.k.a. Jay Andrews)
Look, just go buy DINOCROC VS. SUPERGATOR. You know you wanted to as soon as
you heard the name. You’re not kidding anyone.
DVD/ Blu-ray Reviews
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