If you clicked on to this page hoping to find some critical information that could weigh in the balance of your renting this movie or not...it begs the question: Are you freaking kidding me?!  DINOCROC VS. SUPERGATOR is a Roger (and Julie) Corman joint that pits a gigantic make-believe prehistoric crocodile against a gigantic make-believe man-made alligator. But come on, you already had that information and had made up your mind to see the flick or not the second you saw the title with “Roger Corman Presents” above it. Now, on the other hand, if you clicked on to this page to see what a reviewer could possibly say about a film like this just for the hell of it, then welcome, you’ve come to the right place.

Me, well, I absolutely had to see this movie because after seeing the trailer on the DVD of last year’s deliciously ridiculous SHARKTOPUS, my kid flipped, and made me promise to grab this baby the second I could get my hands on a copy. After all, who am I to say no to an auxiliary reviewer while grabbing dad-of-the-year points at the same time. My kid loves this stuff. He lives for giant boas, megasharks, mutant fish, killer turtles, lizards, caterpillars, bunnies, kittens, anything, as long as they are: a) of gigantic proportions, and b) eat people.

Needless to say, the day I arrived home to find the disc in the mailbox, any potential family plans immediately ground to a halt and the next 90 minutes of our lives were dedicated to watching two genetically-enhanced CGI monsters gobble protesting citizens before eventually duking it out with each other, because as a character in the movie states, crocodiles and alligators are mortal enemies. (I looked it up—no they aren’t.)

Originally made for Syfy, DINOCROC VS. SUPERGATOR follows the recent megamonster formula to a T, and to be perfectly honest, I would’ve been disappointed if it didn’t. I’d have felt robbed if there wasn’t a beautiful European blonde model passing herself off as a geneticist by wearing a lab coat, ponytail and dark-rimmed glasses. I’d have been heartbroken if they’d neglected to add the tough military guys (a.k.a. monster food) spouting tough military rally cries like “Lock and load!” and “Hoo-rah.” And I’d have been beside myself had they not included a “name” star (David Carradine) to sit by the pool scowling into a telephone as well as a boatload of bikini babes (a.k.a. monster food) jiggling their way to fun in the sun when they aren’t screaming and bouncing/running for their lives.

I might sound like I’m trash-talking the movie, but I promise you, I’m not. I’m simply having fun with it, because that’s what these flicks are all about: laughing incredulously while man-tampered reptiles amble around the countryside throwing back hapless victims like pink screeching gummy bears. (I’m sure that there is a dictionary somewhere that defines “fun” in those exact words.) It also dawned on me after we watched DVS that Corman’s latest cash-in on this silly big monster trend has been done before—and with great, long lasting success. I know folks will cry sacrilege at the audacity of my comparing these digital creature mash-ups with the beloved Pacific Rim Godzilla series, but I’m sure that GODZILLA VS. MOTHRA wasn’t vying for the best foreign picture Oscar when it was released back in 1964. Nostalgia provides rosy lenses when looking back at these old-school monster flicks, but let’s face it, these were by no means serious films: One man in a rubber suit being swung through the studio on wires while another stomps Tokyo miniatures into kindling. Ridiculous atomic theories by frantic scientists wearing dark-rimmed glasses. Tanks that melt like marshmallows in a campfire and tiny military men doing their best impersonations of bubble plastic placed on a preschool floor. Too sacred to be compared?

Forget about it.

The only difference now is the CGI and the slightly more adult themes, both of which are a result of the natural progression of changing times and cultures. I for one do not want to see a man in a rubber outfit trying to run like a giant alligator. The CG-generated creatures actually look pretty good in DVS, as do some of the other...ah…eating effects. I also have no quarrel with girls in bikinis running amok. This is precisely why slow-motion was invented.  

I knew exactly what to expect going in and was not disappointed in the least. My kid loved it and can’t wait for the next installment. And you know what else—I hope they keep going. I hope that these giant animals eventually start to team up and fight giant weird-looking creatures from other planets. I hope a hero rises from the heap, be it a giant boa, crocodile or megashark (I kind of hope it’s Sharktopus, but that’s just me) and becomes the central figurehead for the giant monster collective. I hope they get their own island and the hero has an inexplicable offspring. And if a size-changing kung-fu robot doesn’t show up to do battle, then I’ll just consider that a horribly missed opportunity.

DINOCROC VS. SUPERGATOR is available on Blu-ray and DVD as of July 12. Both include an audio commentary by executive producer Roger Corman and director Jim Wynorski (a.k.a. Jay Andrews)

Look, just go buy DINOCROC VS. SUPERGATOR. You know you wanted to as soon as you heard the name. You’re not kidding anyone.

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