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I must confess that when I was offered the chance to review I AM VIRGIN, I was a little upset when Fango’s managing editor added, “You’d be perfect for it!” Jeez, Mike, I’m just saving myself for the right lady. Can’t a guy be chaste and unsullied in this day and age without being made fun of? And I have had sex. Yes, only with myself, but that still counts for something, don’t it?
I AM VIRGIN (IMD) is a wannabe erotic spoof of I AM LEGEND that is neither sexy nor funny. A virus has expunged most of the world’s population, and all the survivors have been turned into horny vampires who crave not blood, but sex. All, that is, except one: Robby (Adam Davis). He’s supposedly the last “normal” human being on Earth. He’s also a virgin whose only companion is his basset hound, Billy. The story (what’s in a word?) is simple and repetitive: The lustful Robby wanders around looking for other human survivors. Instead, he finds wanton vampire men and women acting on their carnal desires. Robby then secretly watches these lascivious lads and ladies go at it (with no penetration shots) for 10 minutes to awful “sexy” music. Although he’s aroused, Robby can’t participate for fear of being “infected,” so he frustratedly returns home, where he gives webcasts complaining about his blue balls.
That’s it. Ten minutes of Robby and Billy wandering around. Ten minutes of softcore coitus. Ten minutes of Robby and Billy wandering around. Ten minutes of softcore coitus. Get the idea? I did not laugh once during the movie—and that’s because it isn’t a comedy. It’s softcore porn that uses the I AM LEGEND setup and structure as filler. Actually, I take that back. I did laugh at I AM VIRGIN…during the so-called “hot and steamy” sex scenes. They’re not sensual and stimulating, but rather silly and simulating. I haven’t seen this much dry-humping since I was a high-schooler attending Ollie Anderson’s ninth-grade post-prom party. You get lots of naked, heavily tattooed women with fangs making out with each other and the occasional dude. The scenes are long and laughable and involve lots of phony blowjobs and doggie-style action, and I stopped counting the “Oh my God!”s and “Yes!”es at around the 100 mark. There’s more moaning in this film than in all six of George A. Romero’s DEAD movies combined.
Man, if I ever have sex, I’m gonna ask a male vampire for tips, because those studs sure know how to deliver the goods! Does anyone have Gerard Butler’s phone number? Or, if not him, how about George Hamilton? Heck, I’ll listen to Leslie Nielsen if he’s available! But seriously, the sex in this film is spiritless. Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet exhibited more passion for each other at the end of REVOLUTIONARY ROAD. I can’t think of a single moment in the movie where the actors successfully feigned and projected attraction toward one another. It reminded me of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley’s fairy-tale romance. Honestly, I was more turned on by Kathy Bates’ nude scene in ABOUT SCHMIDT.
Sticking to the theme of honesty, I must make another confession: I fast-forwarded through some of the protracted couplings. No, I’m not gay (“Not that there’s anything wrong with that”), but I simply wasn’t attracted to these women. Different strokes for different folks, but VIRGIN’s ladies just aren’t my cup of tea. Prodigiously pierced and tattooed biker-type chicks don’t do it for me, but, hey, they might do it for you. To each their own. And if you like fake breasts, then this is the movie for you. Welcome to Silicon Valley.
I feel like a kid who just hit puberty, because all I’m talking about is sex. I didn’t start this review thinking I’d concentrate on that aspect of the film, but the fact is that it’s all I AM VIRGIN has to offer. Director/co-writer Sam Skelding’s idea of character development is having Robby finally and half-assedly give in to his temptations by sticking his hand down his pants. And Skelding and co-writer David Wester’s notion of comedy is having a female vampire chase after Robby with a rubber dildo gun. I wasn’t expecting ANIMAL HOUSE or CADDYSHACK, but I was hoping for at least a chuckle or two. Here are some examples of the impressive dialogue: “Get back here, I want to suck your c**k.” “Get over here and f**k me now.” And my personal favorite, involving a nurse in bra and panties holding a needle and confronting Robby: “You’re going to feel just a little prick, and then I’m going to feel a big prick.” If you enjoy such corny material, then you’ll be delighted by porn star Ron Jeremy’s cameo at the end of the picture, delivering awful jokes. Jeremy to Robby: “You’ve never had the chance in your entire life to play hide the salami? Shoot the sherbert? Drain the main vein? Squeeze the weasel?” Killer stuff. When it comes to hedgehogs, I prefer Sonic.
There’s nothing surprising about I AM VIRGIN, really, except for its DVD presentation. While the cheesy porn music (violins and romantic guitar ballads, are you serious?) is ludicrous, the 5.1 audio really does justice to all the ass-slapping, squeaking springs and creaking chairs. And the look of the movie (in 16x9 widescreen) is better than you might expect. Hell, not that he has much to work with, but Davis isn’t bad, either. I can’t say that he’s good (watching lesbians make out doesn’t really require Robert De Niro-caliber acting), but he’s OK.
The extras include several trailers for other IMD titles, a commentary and a behind-the-scenes featurette. The latter begins (and I hope they’re joking) with a narrator declaiming: “A group of Portland filmmakers set out to make the greatest spoof of I AM LEGEND in film history. They succeeded.” The docu covers the shoot, the different shooting locations and the actresses (mostly erotic dancers and “entertainers”), who are sleazily referred to as “Portland prime trim” and “screamers and creamers.” Others were local hotties looking for their big break in showbiz. Big break? Talk about delusional!
If you’re going to watch I AM VIRGIN at all, do so with the commentary playing. Trust me, you won’t be missing anything, and you’ll get the chance to hear Skelding and Davis talk about how I AM VIRGIN offered performing challenges comparable to CAST AWAY. Talk about delusional! You’ll also learn that Billy is actually Skelding’s dog and that they had to shoot three different versions: TV (no nudity), R-rated and unrated. There’s also something surreal about listening to the pair remarking, “Oh, she’s such a sweet girl. What a darling” while you’re watching said actress going down on a dude on screen. Skelding also refers to Jeremy as an A-list star—talk about delusional!—and proudly recalls a meeting with the actor at a club where Jeremy groped people’s girlfriends and stuck his hand up their dresses.
I AM VIRGIN? Not anymore. After seeing this dismal film, I feel like I’ve been f**ked.
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