Being dead used to be a bad thing, but visionaries have been warning us for decades that we are leaning toward the non-living role model. Of course, everybody wants to be a vampire—it’s great to be undead, look pretty, dress sharp and smell good. We’ll gladly give up our soul, but never our vanity. Being an oozing, groaning, stinking zombie isn’t very glamorous; still, what a massive head rush it must be! Exhilarating, powerful and, yes, cool. That’s what THE BRAIN EATER’S BIBLE (Mythodrome) by J.D. McGhoul with Pat Kilbane (pictured) has to offer.

Finally a practical guide for those who won’t go down easy, THE BRAIN EATER’S BIBLE is graphic, gruesome and hilarious. If you missed out on turning into a sparkly immortal and instead face the awkward and painful transformation to ghoul, rise up! Don’t whine about your nasty flesh decay, stumbling awkwardly forward into your enemy’s fire...embrace your tenacious new self, learn to survive and learn to conquer! Build your armies around you. Eat brains till you puke! Remember, however it goes down, humans brought Armageddon on themselves. The idiots deserve what they get.

J.D. McGhoul’s story is gripping, and his candid personal logs separate the instructive sections of his comprehensive survival guide for smart, fast, zombies. Waking from a terrible nightmare, he breaks uncontrollably into a murderous rampage, cannibalizing his victims, devouring their brains. He’s aghast at his behavior, until he realizes his incredible euphoria and just how yummy brains really are. Like the human he once was, McGhoul accepts himself unconditionally, justifies his actions, claims supremacy and psyches up for world domination.

Everyone needs to read this manual before the apocalypse. It details the body’s reaction to the lab-spawned PACE virus, which de-humanizes one very quickly, creating the slow moving, moronic, zombie of old. It’s imperative to contract the virus properly, to find one of McGhoul’s elite, intelligent ranks, and thus be “turned” rather than carelessly infected. Successful transformation allows one to retain their intellect and become a lean, stealthy, pack leader, celebrating the ominous beast within.

Once you’ve been initiated, McGhoul illustrates your brand new physiology, and reviews human anatomy. Practice the best ways into the fragile cranial cavity without bruising the sweet meat inside; get to the prize quickly before your own diseased spittle can spoil it. Learn your defensive strategies, weapons and armor; helmets are imperative, and it’s about time someone said so. McGhoul cleverly suggests screwing the headgear right into your skull so it stays tight in battle, and suggests modifications that allow maximum biting, the zombie’s most effective weapon.

The willful domination of mankind requires broad tactical knowledge, which McGhoul and his expert associates, experienced warriors and strategists have compiled and photo-illustrated; the pictures are simply disgusting. Guerilla subterfuge, weaponry, psychological warfare...the subjugation of “freshies” is McGhoul’s ultimate goal; brains are the shiny spoils. You’ll learn to manipulate the unfortunate hordes of slow movers to produce distraction and melee, enabling a satisfying massacre and the well-earned, undisturbed meal.

You, intelligent brain sucker, must build an army to wage your war, and you’ll need others like you to lead the slow minions. Read “Chapter 6: Infecting Others” very closely. The meticulous surgical techniques are difficult with your clumsy, decrepit fingers. Your progeny will become independent assassins, cracking skulls, biting off fingers, demoralizing humanity and, hopefully, one day spawning another quick thinker. You’ll be so proud.

You might naively plan to survive the zombie apocalypse in human form, holing up somewhere eating Twinkies until the French government cleans up the whole gruesome mess. Read the manual anyway. Like Sun Tzu’s THE ART OF WAR, the practical philosophies, social commentary and survival tips in THE BRAIN EATER’S BIBLE are indispensable, and it’s genuinely engaging. You’ll beg sensei McGhoul to educate you further, show you more pictures and lead you forward to a higher plane.

But not all of us have time to leisurely prepare for our role in Armaggeddon, unfortunately, and zombies must travel light. Thus, the iPad—that’s where the BRAIN EATER’S BIBLE app comes in. Created in absolute gory realism by FX artist Dean C. Jones (the DAY OF THE DEAD and TOOLBOX MURDERS remakes), the app, which you can check out here, is your interactive field guide. One can scroll through crucial fighting modes, quickly access animated ambush tactics and refer to hundreds of illustrations. The newbie will find inexhaustible advice and comfort in McGhoul’s journal entries, among tons of other valuable information from a consortium of real-world, indisputable zombie experts and consultants, savvy militarists, scientists and other professional devastationists.

McGhoul has co-authored this amazing resource with the help of zombie insider Pat Kilbane, who, before marshaling the legion of the undead contingent, spent three years on MADtv. His most invaluable experience, however, was playing a scientist who becomes a zombie in Steve Miner’s 2008 remake of George A. Romero’s DAY OF THE DEAD. “I loved picturing the world through cloudy, undead eyes,” he says. Kilbane’s vision is now perfectly clear: “Eating brains is an orgasmic experience... One mouthful of lumpy cerebrum makes you feel immediately justified. The sense of wholeness and empowerment it gives you is like nothing else. If the freshies had any idea how incredible it feels, they would willingly join the ranks of the infected.”

Comforting food for thought as we begin to choose sides...

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